A Bittersweet Visit

I had a dream,

I was going away, wearing the same clothes i had wore when i flew here
I was with my youngest sister and my mom at some green-walled department store,
they were both shopping for clothes
I told them "hurry up, we're going to be late".

I looked to my right
I was back to that familiar street, to the place where i grew up
I saw some childhood friends, they were riding a motorcycle. they stopped when they saw me
The girl, Jean was happy to see me, she hugged me and said "welcome back"
and my thoughts were just, "I'm going away"

I let her go, stepped back and turned my head to my left
and it was then when i saw her, the person who mattered, the person who devoted her life to me,
She treated me as her own, took care of me, even if it wasn't her responsibility.

I saw my mum.
She was there, wearing the same blue shirt she would always wear.
She smiled at me, her face even more beautiful than before.
She said nothing, did nothing but smile at me.
She was happy.

I wanted to hug her, be with her, say something, anything.
But nothing came out. I just froze.
For I knew this wasn't real, this couldn't be real.
My mom just left me,  I was with her when she fell asleep.

-..♥..-
One of my greatest fears is to loose the people i love
I had dreamed of losing some of them, making me wake up crying..
i got terrified of sleeping, knowing this would happen.

the pain of being left behind or of losing someone is real even in dreams

-..♥..-

-..♥..-

I miss my mum
But i know wherever she is, she's happy
I love you ma

-..♥..-

-..♥..-

My mum, the one who took care of me died on September 29, 2014 12:20 AM.
I was still able to tell her i love her September 28, 2014  8 PM.
We buried her on October 4, 2014, Interment was at 1 PM.
I dreamed of her today, December 4, 2014 8 PM.
Coincidence?

-..♥..-

- anger damage -

Yeah today i snapped,
i snapped at someone special to me
someone who wasn't supposed to be snapped at
someone entirely innocent of the blame
but then again - yeah i snapped.

i wasn't thinking straight
definitely not thinking right
now this guilt feeling's eating up on me
worried coz i've hurt his feelings
knowing what i did caused a nonsense fight


i have to make up for it
heal the damage i've brought
i have to stop being angry
or i'll end up loosing the one i love most

-..♥..-

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" - Lawrence J. Peter
should've read this one before opening my mouth.
i didn't mean to be that upset - however no excuses - i still opened my big fat mouth
now i have to make up for what i did and see to it that this doesn't happen again.....

-..♥..-

- uncertainty -

there is that nagging feeling again,
a feeling that something's coming
something but you don't know what it is..

the signs are pointing towards "it"
but whatever "it" is, you can never really tell..

is it bad? is it good? you don't know.
but what you do know is the beating of your heart
that frightening feeling that shakes every inch of your soul

 ..the feeling of uncertainty..

- leaf and silence -

it was an opportunity
something i didn't see coming
it suddenly hit me
and everything changed

now, although im unsure
there's no turning back
my silence has betrayed me
i have no choice
but to accept the current facts..

feeling like a leaf blown by the wind
i dont know where this would take me..

all i know is i'm caught, trapped,
prisoned once again by regret and uncertainty

- not good enough but.. -

i may not be smart enough,
good enough,
sensible enough,
but i do know
that i have my worth
and i also know
that you're not worth every single millesecond of my time

i just want to take time, shout out and say
that eventhough i may not be smart
good, sensible and "whatever"enough
for you

it does not give you the right to make fun of me
or degrade me.

as well as i dont' have to reach for your standards
to know and prove my worth

and oh by the way,
no matter what credentials you have,
what you just did,

it made you lower than me
which technically makes me better than you

so take that.

someone - the reason for my sadness

- lately, colleagues have been telling me i gained weight. i got fat. plus dry skin, looking tired and badly damage. the description matched like those of rotten tomatoes. infact, at that time, i really really felt like a rotten tomato.


why? because i've always carried myself with pride. i dont think i'm perfect because clearly i'm not. but i've always looked at myself of which someone that has value. not perfect, often times wrong, but still worth it of actions, reasonable, respected.


however, hearing those things, it lead to my depression of course. to seek comfort from the ones i truly care about. but then no matter what the say, i knew in my head that i am a rotten tomato =c


for somewhere along the way, i lost myself. i lost my value and self-respect. my head's empty, feeling like a fool, blah blah you know the rest..probably that's the reason why i don't want to be with people. i feel small when i'm with them, falling like a wallflower at an event.


and i dont want to be that person anymore. i want to grow. i want to be someone who's beautiful, sexy, independent, respected, smart, lovable, worthy and worth it..


someone who my family and friends can be proud of. someone who they'll say as "we did not go wrong in raising her" or "i'm proud to be her friend"


and finally, i want to be the right person for the person i truly treasure the most. he means so much to me and as much as i can, i want to make him happy without being too overly attached. O.o


i want to be someone who he can be proud of. .someone to be his friend, his partner, i want him to be mine, to never leave me, to be the one for him and that someday, he won't be embarrassed by me..he can show me off to his friends and say "hey, that's my girl <3".


i want to be that someone. someone who lives her life to the fullest and with meaning.

that someone who i always dreamed to be, but i'm afraid, i'll never be..

-..♥..-

sorry for the long post.
but i've just got to let it all out ^^
-..♥..-

- Last Message -

hey, how are you?

have you eaten? are you alright?

it's been more than a week since you left

and its kinda lonely without you..

but hey, don't worry..

we'll be okay.

you've taught us so much

given more than enough

we can take on life

with the memories you left us.

so go on, rest easy

find peace and serenity.

and this time,

be truly and completely happy.

just remember, wherever you are,

you will always be remembered,

always be loved,

you'll always stay forever,

alive in our hearts ^^

-..♥..-

just be happy, wherever you are..^^

-..♥..-

- Introducing Me -

Hi. I am Noui ( - 'noy' - ) and welcome to my blog.

Let's get to know each other (but we'll have to skip on the 'how-do-i-look' part of the topic. I'm really not too keen on the whole physical describing thing. Just take a look at my avatar and you'll get the picture. My avatar really looks just like me - minus the whole wings and background effects - credits to aya for this!)

I am Noui and i graduated last march 2011 with a degree of Bachelor of Science in Computer Engineering. I currently work (at the time of writing this) as a junior software engineer - web in an IT company.

I love sports especially soccerbaseball (rules like baseball, played like baseball - except you'd have to use a soccerball and your foot instead of baseball and baseball bats to play the game).

I love to eat but I don't wanna be fat. However, my love for food overcomes my dislike for fatness and so I eat.. A LOT..!

I don't wanna be fat (and really, there's nothing wrong with being fat..it's more of a health issue for me) and at times, my fear of gaining weight has lead me to this whole 'diet-exercise-thinning' obsession.

Moving on...

I love white. I love blue.

I just wanna laugh out loud and chill with you.

I love to dance (though dancing doesn't feel the same) and slow rock music

Sometimes I just wanna lay around and listen to some good acoustics.

I try to be a good daughter

At the same time, a perfect partner.

I really do care about the people I love.

So I try my best to make them happy,

and do the things that they can be proud of.

However..

Sometimes I want break free,

Take a minute off from my responsibility.

I want to experience some harmless fun (the see it as semi-harmless due to environmental conditions)

And just play carelessly under the sun.

I want to make decisions, be able to choose

Even if it's not the one they want to use

Learn from my mistakes, pay my dues

Fall down, stand up and heal my bruise

I want to be perfect at times i want to fail

I want to love and be loved, whatever may prevail.

I want to live my life to the fullest,

And live it without regrets.

Make the ones I love happy..also make me happy..

This has got to be one of my most confusing dilemma yet.

I am Noui and I am me.

I am happy but as confused as I can be.

I am a child, I want to grow

and hopefully become that most coveted good movie-leading-lady

I surely hope so!

I'm pleased to meet you. I hope you enjoy your stay.

-..♥..-

"Nouilles"
- is a French term for "noodles" -
- has my name on it -

"Messy"
- coz that's how someone i know pretty much describes me

so "messy-nouilles" is "messy-noodles"

-..♥..-