PRESENCE ♥

heeeeeeey..

just passing by, quick question: aren't you tired?
you've been running in my head all day! lol. (#boom #whogoat #corny)

really, i heard this song and thought of you.
i was supposed to write a blog but then my thoughts got jumbled up
so i decided to message you instead:

i guess it wouldn't and couldn't be helped
my past would always come back to haunt me,
no matter how hard i try to run away from it.

yup, as much as possible, i just want to forget about it.
the pain, the reality that at that time, i was alone.
i had no choice. I have to stand up for myself.

i also hated the future.
Every waking day, i thought i had no more reason to live.
(kinda harsh, but you do know that at that time, i lost everything. - well at least i thought i had)

I wasn't looking forward to tomorrow but then again i just wanna forget my past. Pretty complex right?

However the world doesn't stop turning. it continues to live
It seems as if nothing has changed, but you look back and realize, nothing's the same.
Except for some little bits of reality, especially about you.

you became my friend.
you were there when i was with him
you were there when my mom moved on
you were there when he left me
you were there when i ran after him
and in my crazy moments,
those nights when i'd call you in the middle of the night to cry,
and probably more nights to come, you are always there for me
always listening to the same problems.
and still, even in now, you are here with me

"don't say you have time. if you give someone your effort, you're giving them your time"
- i learned that from you
you'd call me in the middle of the night.
you'd spend your time talking to me instead of playing your favorite game
you'd email me if something happens.
by far, you had never left me hanging.
through all your actions, i can clearly see you're giving me your TIME and EFFORT

now thinking about it, i don't feel so lonely anymore,
nor i have fear of facing what's to come.

you're there.
i have someone.
your determination, perseverance and hard-hardheadedness (lol) must've rubbed off on me
you taught me not to give up
you taught me to fight.
and the funniest thing was,
you LOVED me, even when i couldn't even love myself.

so thank you. i owe a lot of my recovery from you.
you had me at my worst, i am sure to give you my best
and i'm better now. i'm not the weak person i once was.
thank you for making me whole gain.
for putting back all the pieces :)

and likewise, i promise to be there for you
like what you did for me.
iLy ♥

-..♥..-

... sorry for the long post,
im just happy, and i wanna keep this feeling
this feeling that i thought i'd never feel again ...

...♥ will you follow through if i fall for you? ♥ ...
- martin garrix feat. usher - don't look down - 

-..♥..-

Loss not Found

i thought today will just be an ordinary day
wake up, get up, dress up
daily routine, tasks
just the usual

until i saw you, walking right across me
i did a double take, my heart skipped a beat
is it you? is it really you?
why are you here? what are you doing here?

Hope flooded my heart
All logical reasoning escaping my sanity
fear of disapppointment flooding my soul
but still, maybe you are here
benefit of the doubt
i gave it my all

i did a double take to see things clearly
my heart sank as i was taken back to reality
it wasn't you - it just looked like you
i stood there frozen, emptiness, pain, hurt washed over me
i was just overwhelmed, dazed, i don't know what to do

In this lifetime,
You're never coming back to me
No matter what i do.
It just sucks cause i can't kill this hope.
Hope of me, being with you.

-..♥..-

... Maybe not in this lifetime, but in the next
we'll see each other again
and I can be with you.
Just like you promised ...

-..♥..-

haunted past

everytime it crosses my mind,
i still feel that aching sensation
a feeling of emptiness, longingness
a hole inside your heart

days, months, maybe even years will pass by
but probably it will never heal,
or if it would, it will bear a scar
to remind me of my past
to remind me of what i went through
to make me realize that i could never
go back to the person i once was

whatever it is, all i know is that:
i never want to experience it again.

please dont leave me, fate dont play with me
please heal me, make me forget the pain
please stay, don't ever go away,
i know i'll break again,
if you do leave me
im just saying ill go insane.

letter to my mom: one sweet day

hi ma!

how are you?

hope you are doing good.
everything's good here.

i got fat - i gained a lot of weight.
i also learned how to cook rice
at long last, i can feed myself haha

anyways, i was listening to this song
it made me think of you
this song will always remind me of you
it never made any sense to me, until now.

i wonder what you are doing right now
you're probably in your garden
transferring your pots like you always do
or probably watching your favorite tv shows
so engrossed in it, a little disturbance will
make you fire up.

whatever it is you're doing right now,
wherever you are, i just hope your happy
you deserve to be

i miss you ma
i love you so much and always will.

-..♥..-

... and i know you're shining down on me from heaven
like so many friends we've lost along the way
and i know eventually we'll be together
one sweet day...

- mariah carey and boyz ii men -

-..♥..-

letter to my mom: incomplete

It has been about seven months since that fateful day
That day when you quietly slipped away
I didn't even notice that you just passed me by
I just thought you were sleeping,
I had no idea that'll be our last goodbye

Everything changed since then
My world crumbled since you were gone
I lost a huge part of me
i had no idea how to move on

You were my everything - my strength, my treasure
You had always been there for me,
You always had my back
You always helped me up,
Keep me back on track

You never doubted me - not even once
You were my number one fan
You had always protected me
You gave me everything
You gave me more than enough

But now you're gone
I've been trying to cope up
But it's hard. Life is so hard to live without you

I had no idea how to start, where to start
I feel so lost without you

Please come back for me
Help me.
Please help me get through this
Because life is really hard without you.

I love you ma, I miss you.

letter to my mom: passing by :)

ma,

if you're reading this, thank you for molding me to be the person who i am today. For preparing me for life. You loved me as your own and you've always thought of me first, even until your last.

don't worry about me,
i am okay, i am loved - the people that i have around me are really taking good care of me - especially those unexpected ones. Lol

you're legacy will live in me ma.
i just wish i could've spent more time with you,
but i know you're happier somewhere

wherever you are,
i hope you can see me
i hope i am making you proud,
especially of where i am now and of what i've achieved..

i miss you ma.
i hope i can see you again.
i love you so much ma!

That Meeting

I was standing there, in a hospital room.
I saw my mom, she was standing there.
Then i saw you.

Then all i knew, i introduced you to mom
You greeted each other
No more long words to be said

All i knew was she was happy for me
and knowing that you met her, even in my dreams

it's enough..
I'm happy

-..♥..-

... mom was the most important person to me

she still makes me feel loved even if we're really far apart.

she also told me to rest though haha

thanks mom, wherever you are...

-..♥..-