A Bittersweet Visit

I had a dream,

I was going away, wearing the same clothes i had wore when i flew here
I was with my youngest sister and my mom at some green-walled department store,
they were both shopping for clothes
I told them "hurry up, we're going to be late".

I looked to my right
I was back to that familiar street, to the place where i grew up
I saw some childhood friends, they were riding a motorcycle. they stopped when they saw me
The girl, Jean was happy to see me, she hugged me and said "welcome back"
and my thoughts were just, "I'm going away"

I let her go, stepped back and turned my head to my left
and it was then when i saw her, the person who mattered, the person who devoted her life to me,
She treated me as her own, took care of me, even if it wasn't her responsibility.

I saw my mum.
She was there, wearing the same blue shirt she would always wear.
She smiled at me, her face even more beautiful than before.
She said nothing, did nothing but smile at me.
She was happy.

I wanted to hug her, be with her, say something, anything.
But nothing came out. I just froze.
For I knew this wasn't real, this couldn't be real.
My mom just left me,  I was with her when she fell asleep.

-..♥..-
One of my greatest fears is to loose the people i love
I had dreamed of losing some of them, making me wake up crying..
i got terrified of sleeping, knowing this would happen.

the pain of being left behind or of losing someone is real even in dreams

-..♥..-

-..♥..-

I miss my mum
But i know wherever she is, she's happy
I love you ma

-..♥..-

-..♥..-

My mum, the one who took care of me died on September 29, 2014 12:20 AM.
I was still able to tell her i love her September 28, 2014  8 PM.
We buried her on October 4, 2014, Interment was at 1 PM.
I dreamed of her today, December 4, 2014 8 PM.
Coincidence?

-..♥..-

- The Ring -

June 8, 2014 5PM
I played basketball, i placed the ring on top of my cellphone

June 8, 2014 8PM
I noticed the ring missing, i frantically searched around the house looking for it - in the room, kitchen, etc.. Even my mom helped look for it

June 8, 2014 11PM
Looked outside the house, it was raining slightly but still, i need to find the ring

June 9, 2014 1AM
Still coudn't find the ring..

June 9, 2014 6AM
Continued searching for it

June 9, 2014 8AM
Mom and Dad cleaned the house and garden, every corner, every place, even the trash, they searched for it

June 9, 2014 4PM
confessed to my other half about the ring, he wasn't angry at me, even yet - he told me the ring will be found

June 9, 2014 8PM
Continued to look for it

June 10, 2014
Still no sign of the ring..

June 11, 2014
Losing Hope, I hope my ring would come back.

yeah i know, pretty much an overeaction for a ring. But it wasn't just any ordinary ring.

That ring was given to me by someone special. I've had it for almost two years, taking great care of it. I placed it on top of my cellphone so I wouldn't forget it. I'd wear it after playing basketball.

The ring had great sentimental value to me. Losing it was like losing a part of me. I hope it would come back on that special day..

June 12, 2014 6AM

Heared excited noises outside my room, followed by mom waking me up from disturbing slumber. She was excited and so was dad. There smiles on their faces tell me something was up.

And Mom gave me the RING. The ring that i had lost, the ring that was dear to me.

Dad found it in a place where i didn't go when i lost, the place where i searched countless times hoping it would be there.

Finally, this day, the ring was here. It has returned to me.

A ring that was precious once, become even more precious than before. It is now not just a ring given to me by someone special. It was a ring which showed my family's love and support for me.

It showed me God's great love despite my imperfections, despite the problems.

And my special someone? His happiness is infectious when he found the ring back on my finger again =)

-..♥..-

"When your problems are as big as the sea,
 Never forget that your blessings are as wide as the ocean"

-..♥..-

- outcast on christmas -

i watch her,
scramble to her feet as she hurries to get the presents
she bustles around the room as she assists her mother
calling out numbers, marking them on the presents,
to prepare it for the much awaited exchange gift

when all is done, she smiles and feels relief,
"everything is well, it will go well", she says to herself
"let's start", her mother says,
"Number One", the girl calls on a loud clear voice,
despite the cough she's having..

"everything is well, it will go well", she says to herself
looking around for happy faces, the essence of a fun party
but in one moment, she got scolded, reprimanded.
"Your voice is too loud, it's so noisy" - her mother, her REAL mother said

So with trembling voice she called again "Number two",
"that's better" - said her REAL mother
but then the crowd complained "Your voice is too low, we couldn't hear you"
and the girl just stood there, confused on what to do.
that's just the start - a roller coaster ride gone wrong

she tries so hard to please the people around her,
just to make her mother (not her real mother but still a her mother nonetheless) happy
she gave it her best, showed the rest of the family what a fine woman she has become
but in the end, its still the same

she will always be that child to them (the rest of the family) - a blacksheep, an outcast of the family.
and that girl is me.

- Hush Hush -

Finding him was like finding someone i didn't know i was searching for

- Nora Grey, Hush Hush -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

Being with you never felt wrong. Its the one thing i did right.

You're the one thing I did right

 - Patch Cipriano, Crescendo -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

If I lose you, I lose everything

- Patch Cipriano, Silence -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

There's only one thing i know for certain anymore.

That  I would do anything for you,

even if it means going against my instincts or my very nature.

I will lay down everything i possess, even my soul for you.

If that isn't love, it's the best i have

- Patch Cipriano, Silence -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

If you need one more reason, I LOVE YOU. It is uncharted territory for me, but I need to know that at the end of the night, I have you to come home to.

 - Patch Cipriano, Silence -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

I gave up something I wanted for something I need

 - Patch Cipriano, Silence -

-------    -= ❤ =-   -------

Violence doesn't equal strength. Lead your army by example

 - Patch Cipriano, Silence -

~ Becca Fitzpatrick, author Hush Hush ~

- anger damage -

Yeah today i snapped,
i snapped at someone special to me
someone who wasn't supposed to be snapped at
someone entirely innocent of the blame
but then again - yeah i snapped.

i wasn't thinking straight
definitely not thinking right
now this guilt feeling's eating up on me
worried coz i've hurt his feelings
knowing what i did caused a nonsense fight


i have to make up for it
heal the damage i've brought
i have to stop being angry
or i'll end up loosing the one i love most

-..♥..-

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" - Lawrence J. Peter
should've read this one before opening my mouth.
i didn't mean to be that upset - however no excuses - i still opened my big fat mouth
now i have to make up for what i did and see to it that this doesn't happen again.....

-..♥..-

- a dog, an owl and a mermaid -

There was a dog and an owl - an unlikely special pair.
They were always together, do things together.

One day, the dog said to the owl "i heard there's a mermaid coming up! i wanna see! let's go see!".

The owl said, "okay, let's go".

And off the two went to go see the said "mermaid".

The two arrived, met some of their friends - a grizzly, a monkey and a specie named "Junlee". The place was big - an open space,  clear blue water on the left side, clean air, a trail on the right, the sun hangs lazily on the sky.

Everyone was anticipating, waiting for the "mermaid".

"Is she beautiful?"
"Is she real?"
"Is she edible?"

Then the "mermaid" came. Swimming under the water towards the group, circling the pool, it's magnificent blue fish-dragon-like tail glistening under the water.

Everyone - mystified at what they saw - it was a mermaid - it wasn't a mermaid - rather it was merman on the way.

The merman poked his head up from the water, then the owl got cursed.

The owl multiplied - owl after owl - another of it came. If the owl multiples another more, the owl is going to die.

"What should i do?" the dog cried out frantically.

"Let the owl eat charcoal" an old woman said. (where did this old woman come from?? O.o )

The dog did as what the old woman instructed. The dog grabbed a bark from the tree, instantly the bark become charcoal in the shape of the banana.

The dog, with the banana-charcoal looked for "an" owl and found one under the tree eating yellow ripe bananas. The other owl were around him, the other playing on the lake. The dog shoved the banana-charcoal to the owl's mouth. Instantly, the owl stopped multiplying. All of the owl's underlings went back to the owl's body making the owl whole again. The owl smiled, fainted and disappeared.

"Where's my owl?!" the dog cried out once again

"You'll find him in your bed sleeping - kiss him to wake him up" - a female's voice said in the dog's mind

The dog rushed back to the doghouse, straight to the nest and found the owl lying there sleeping peacefully.

The dog kissed the owl.
The owl woke up and smiled.

Then I woke up to my mother's voice saying, "Wake up! You're going to be late for work"

And i realized, it was all just a dream O.o

- IF -

something worth reading, shared by my friend

----
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

~ Rudyard Kipling, written in 1902 ~

-..♥..-

is it a sign? circumstance? i don't know

but whatever it is, i'm just happy i was able to read this

it pretty much sums up what I've been going through right now

it brings me back to my senses - to maintain SANITY amidst this circling INSANITY

-..♥..-